*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
You Might Also Like
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
*updates tinder bio*
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???