If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
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[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it