Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
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Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
What if the weather talks about us?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.