Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
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Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
congratulations to them
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people