Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
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People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.