@Brianhopecomedy: Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I'm hesitant to start the car.
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@bornmiserable: Jay Z: Can I get a what what? Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you? Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
@SaraMansford: Things I use my car for, from most to least: 1)Tweeting while parked 2)Snacking 3)Transporting bugs that can fly but are lazy 4)Driving
@themiltron: [God creating the ocean] GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere. ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they— GOD: Make it undrinkable.