@Brianhopecomedy: Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I'm hesitant to start the car.
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@dafloydsta: Now that Christmas is over, don't forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid's toys.
@Playing_Dad: [At Last Supper] *Jesus raises bread* This is my body *raises wine* & my blood *pulls out 8 of Clubs* & this is your card *Apostles go nuts*
@RxitWounds: [Auto-shop class] "Cody, for the last time, it's still a carburetor even when it's in a van" *raises hand* "Or a truck" *lowers hand*
@carlyken: Kids, in my day we didn't have text messaging. We had to write a "Do you like me: Yes or no?" note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.