@Brianhopecomedy: Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I'm hesitant to start the car.
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@TrainedHedonist: We're out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
@truegritrumble: (Going to Wife's Work Party) WIFE: Don't just be quiet like last time. (Later at Dinner) ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
@RocketRankoon: *swivels around in evil chair* *evil laugh* *pets evil cat* *evil cat laughs* *jumps out of evil chair* "Holy shit, that cat just laughed!"