Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
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cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Going to church you guys need anything
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.