@Brianhopecomedy: Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I'm hesitant to start the car.
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@jdforshort: A random guy held the door & paid for my Cinnabon roll at the truck stop today He doesn't know it, but this is the best date in a long time
@Philosopherbing: I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm "Time to go out and rob some people!" I said
@hamspamtymaam: Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I'm just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I'm all that's left.
@sarcasticmommy4: "If you can't beat them, join them," I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.