Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
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My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
The three genders.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people