*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.