SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
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Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.