Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
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Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.