[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
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If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.