*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
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what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Chicken bread
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I already tried new things thanks.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked