It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
You Might Also Like
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!