I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
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I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
*checks Timeline*…
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.