*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
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SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”