*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
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[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
When the stylist spins you back around
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Why font matters.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.