Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
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Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.