[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
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I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.