[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
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[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy