Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
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Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
do u think theres a butter planet?
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
What the hell happened in there??
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now