i will avenge u mr van gogh
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
#polloftheday
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!