robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
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89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I feel seen
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey