Think I pulled my liver
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While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*