robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
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Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Guys, I found it.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Oh my God.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
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