*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
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Netflix and you sit over there.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean