God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
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Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno