Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
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Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats