DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
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My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
The first matador
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
i love meeting boys on tinder
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit