ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
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channeling her this year
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”