*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
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[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼