“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
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My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Saturday
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.