Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
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I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
this is literally a CIA plant
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.