*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
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My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……