Effort made
You Might Also Like
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Cause of death: Zumba
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision