My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
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You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Many hands make light work
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?