I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
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*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.