I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
You Might Also Like
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.