Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
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my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Bike for sale
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me: