Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
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This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
This guy gets it.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.