Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
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The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
“You drive, I’m tired.”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’