Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
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Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
My kitchen overserved me.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.