[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
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[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday