Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
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“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Me trying to look natural in photos
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies