Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
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Doctors texting each other.
scrabbled eggs
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
i spent way too long on this
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger