Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
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Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?