You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
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I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.