ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
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Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground