Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
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I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I WON A HAM TODAY
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Seems a bit forward