A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
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me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.