Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
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[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
🙂🙃🥹
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.